randomness abounds

"Here we are now, entertain us!"

2008-01-25T16:14:00.001-05:00

Have you watched Moulin Rouge lately and soaked in it's Luhrman brand awesomeness? I have. I forgot how much fun it was.

I disappeared again. The holidays had me in a tizzy and I rung in the New Year with a nasty stomach bug. I'll catch you, my dedicated readers (Hi Dot. You're the only one.) up on what's goin' down in Shut-rump Town.

-I moved in my new apartment which I fucking LORVE. It's so great living alone, it's done a lot for my peace of mind. Nothing against prior roommates, it's just how my brain can now relax and reload without worrying about anyone else. Plus, I don't have to feel guilty if I have dirty clothes and dishes everywhere (just embarrassed if someone comes over).

-For Christmas, my boyz (Tommy, Kit and Ward) all pitched in and got me DDR: The Hottest Party for my Wii. I was so happily surprised and filled with everlasting joy.

-I'm now back to wearing pants I wore my first couple of years of college. Even some from high school! I just want to lose one more pants size and I will have reached my goal. I've lost 30 lbs since August and it feels great.

-I went through a slight amount of boy confusion but it's been cleared up for the better. Someone else lives too far away for my tastes but I'm going to go visit him in March. =)

-I'm drafting my friends to create art for my new place and I am so excited to see the fruits. I already have one amazing painting from my friend James Schroeder. I want everything to be original art from myself or my friends. Even if it is a smiley face in highlighter on some graph paper... I want it.

-I got the motion capture gig with Epic Games! Kit and I had our first day on the job on Wednesday and we had to take some pics to show the kick ass suits.

2008 had a crappy first couple of weeks to start but post birthday is treating me well. More later!

oh! i want a strawberry daiquiri! well, better make it virgin. i'm still at work.

2007-11-13T10:47:00.000-05:00

lately, i feel as if my brain is a blender. people keep adding ingredients and my brain is on the ice grind setting at all times. constantly making smoothies but never quite quick enough to keep up with demand. here's a sample.

i'm trying to write a press release without making it sound like a corny review. i kind of suck at this. - there is a pad with apartment info in my eye sight, which one will i pick? - i'm worried about actually making it to cary by 5:30 for my audition for video game on thursday, maybe i should drive to cary tonight after work as a test run? - i might overdraw my account if this one check clears before my paycheck gets deposited - what am i going to do about christmas? i need to use my money on my new apartment, can i even afford my new apartment? where do i want to live? - gas is $3.15 right now. ridiculous. - my gum is still bleeding even though they said it would get better. i feel like it is obvious to everyone and makes me look gross. i know this is false. - what am i going to do about my prescriptions? my medical records are on their way from rome so i will get to read everything my last shrink said about me. this could help my book/play/whatever but also might fuel a fire. can i handle a meds switch right now? i know i need it but the stress of everything else might compound on the fucked up chemicals. - will i have time to go through my stuff and get rid of some of it before driving to va for thanksgiving? who will i have time to see while i'm there? - fucking 222. leave me alone. - callie said that she is worried that i will burn out in regards to the theater. - what do i think i can quit? nothing, really. maybe i can cut back after the festival. i don't want to cut back though. i'm either overcommitted or bored. - other separate subject that takes up brain space but not going on my blogspace. - i've lost touch with all these people because i am so busy. i need to write em a letter. i wish i could see dot. i'm missing courtney's wedding on saturday. i wish i had time/money to go visit ga. - and oh yeah, i'm at work. i always feel like i'm forgetting to do something. let's add blogging to the mix! that's much better than being productive.

gotta love the OCD brain.

the internet is for ... pron.

2007-11-08T16:12:00.000-05:00

when our last patient of the day checks out at 3:30, sometimes it's hard to make the doctors stay put. this needs to happen in case we get a referral from downstairs or someone's nose is bleeding out or a drug rep comes by to give us goodies. (they must have a doc sig to leave said goodies.)

our doctor left at 3:30 and i was left to make awkward small talk.

drug rep: wow! they cleared out early today, huh?
me: yeah, it's difficult to make them stay put sometimes.
drug rep: has business been picking up for you? it's so quiet in here.
me: it comes and goes in waves. i think things will pick up the deeper we get into cold and flu season.
drug rep: yeah, i hear ya. so what do you do when the doctors leave early? (i cough as he says the next part) do you look at porn?
me: ... i'm sorry what?
drug rep: i said do you get bored?
me: oh! oh. yes. yes, i do.

you don't realize how much coughing distorts your hearing until you see a man in a suit with a smirk on his face ask you if you look at porn at work.

there are 10 ducks outside and they all want sun chips...

2007-11-01T15:08:00.000-04:00

while dashing into the white cross BP to get a red bull this morning, i stumbled across these.

WHAT? one of my favorite chips combined with my favorite spice? this can't be. do they taste like sun chips? that would be weird. let's get 'em!

so i did. i mostly agree with this guy.

there is a good dusting of sweet cinnamon but it is then spiked with salty bitterness. is this the "great multi-grain flavor?" my only experience with mulit-grain is bread and sun chips so it could be that. did they choose to counter the sweetness with the salty so that you remember that you are eating something healthy for you, causing you to eat more? does the salt make you want water so they are trying to keep you hydrated? why would you make a sweet/salty chip? i'm so confused!

however, this didn't stop me from eating almost the entire bag throughout the day.

the heartburn wasn't worth it.

where the hell have i been?

2007-10-30T16:36:00.000-04:00

i tend to fall off the face of the earth from time to time. maybe i'm down, maybe i'm too busy or maybe i'm just distracted.

this weekend rocked. we had an awesome halloween party. i had a couple of really good shows on saturday. sunday started off a little sour because i had to be in rehearsal from 10am-3:30pm. my self updating clock was not informed that the gov't moved daylight savings time back so i was awoken at 10:10am by my phone and a "where the hell are you?" call.

all grumpiness was erased because i got to drive to raleigh to see my fave band, for like, 7 years (omglulzwtfbbq) jimmy eat world. i was 2 feet from the lead singer's microphone stand. i was in heaven. kick ass show and i took some pictures that i am proud of.

the trailer for unreal tournament 3 came out yesterday. you can only see maybe one word that my character says in this clip but i'm just excited that the buzz is going to start.

and much, much more. i like wendy's chili. i am doing well and happy but very, very tired.

you have my phone number? lose it.

2007-10-11T15:07:00.000-04:00

i am a pretty busy person. usually leave my house at 7am and don't return until around 10pm.

i have received 3 unknown phone calls around the hour of 8pm this week.

MONDAY 678-749-7259 7:48pm
TUESDAY 706-413-6433 8:11pm
WEDNESDAY 706-413-0436 8:02pm

monday, i was in elaine rehearsal and noted that it was odd that i had a missed call from an atlanta number. i let it slide.

tuesday, i was playing tennis. i decided to be obnoxious and call back to say "i received a missed call from this number" but i got a berry college voice answering machine. weird. called the number from monday. same thing.

wednesday, i was again in rehearsal. i called this number. same message.

is someone playing a trick on me? traveling around campus to different phones to call me at 8pm each night? could it be someone from my past? could it be a secret admirer? could it be martha berry's ghost calling me to tell me she knows what i did near her grave and seeks revenge?

most likely it's alumni services calling me for money. i guess they figure that 18 months out of college should give someone enough time to get a good job, have extra money and be really nostalgic for their alma mater. wrong.

EDIT: conversation with beef (bff) sarah from berry courtesy of gchat

me: have you been getting calls from berry?

Sarah: YES
FOR FRIKKIN MONEY

me: okay
i thought it might be a mystery
like a creepy secret admirer
that wants money

Sarah: hahahaha THE MYSTERY OF WHY BERRY NEEDS SO MUCH DAMN MONEY
they're probably running some underground crack ring.
like, CAGE isn't some guy's last name. it means Crack Addicts Generate Economy.

fuck you, adulthood.

2007-09-28T15:39:00.000-04:00

i am currently spending about $450 a month out of pocket for medical expenses since i got fired. i am paying for insurance through my temp company but since all of this is pre-existing, they won't cover it.

my asthma has been acting up and basically reached such great heights that i need some preventitive measures rather than just my inhaler. i got some samples and then thought "hmm, wonder how much this stuff is?"

$400.

so i am now looking at $850 a month and that is money i don't have. i have 120 hours left on my contract before i get "hired" by this office and then i'll have to wait 60 days after that to be covered on their plan. so we're looking at 80 days of this. needless to say, i drew up a budget and found that my expenses (without gas and food) equal to more than i make in a month. i might have to get another job which has theatrical repurcussions that i can't think about right now.

CHERRY ON THE FUCKING TOP
they didn't receive my paystub this week even though i faxed it and mailed the original. rent is due on monday and the soonest i can get this week's pay is next thursday.

i feel like everything is a mess. all because of money and my lack of it/knowledge of how to manage it.

the year in review

2007-09-12T11:15:00.000-04:00

these past couple of weeks have been very introspective for me. partially because of events and relationships that are currently in action and partially because 9/1 marked the anniversary of my moving to chapel hill/carrboro.

so much has changed in this past year and i'd like to think that the majority of it has been for the better.

i've grown in a new theater community and have become one of the people that tries to keep it going. i've made really good friends (though most are through the theater) had relationships (again, most through the theater ;P) and really kept friendships from home that were important to me. susan, becca, josh, sarah, ian... i'm just as close with them as i was when i left, if not closer.

i've had health scares and down points, sure. i was fired from a job i didn't like too much. unemployed for a month and still working through a temp service so i'm not as secure as i'd like to be. i moved from an apartment to a house due to a scary neighbor and am accruing more stuff each minute. (wii!) i feel my brain slipping up every now and then but susan assures me that i am in a much better place than i was 2 years ago. i'm happy. i can't always feel it but i'm happy.

i have some goals for this next year, not all of them are for public consumption, if any. i've never been big on new year's resolutions. i always liked to set goals for myself on the school year cycle. the biggest thing i want for myself is to continue to discover the truth about myself and love what i find. to keep working with the theater and enjoy and appreciate the fact that i have a place where i can learn and perform all the time. i want to push myself harder creatively - painting, camera-ing and writing more - and finish all those damn projects i've started. continue to get healthier while also accepting that my curves are fucking hot and i don't have to be a size 2 to be happy.

2008 will be here before we know it.

... this is just a tribute.

2007-09-05T18:15:00.001-04:00

my friend patrick made a video honoring bobby. i took one of the pictures in it.

From the Desk of... Memo 3: Children's Fashion

2007-08-28T10:26:00.000-04:00

ATTN mothers and fathers:

stop dressing your children like whores.

i know that pop stars and actresses of today aren't providing a good example and of course your daughter is going to want to dress like them. they are rich! they are on t.v.! they are famous! you have the authority to say "no." i've seen way too many episodes of sally titled "my daugher is 13 and dresses like she is 28 and is banging every guy on the block due to low self esteem and poor parenting on my part!" with blubbering mothers wondering where they went wrong.

little kids aren't allowed to be little kids anymore. society (and some family situations) pushes kids to grow up quickly and lose their childhood innocence. children are hyperscheduled with extra-curricular activities, first submitted to SAT testing in middle school and are exposed to so much more filth than they need to be. most of this momentum is hard to fight so you can help your children in the ways of the home. set boundaries. don't let old men oggle your daughter because she is wearing soffe shorts in public. (i witnessed this happen. my friends should be ashamed of themselves.)

so saddle up and take care of your children. if i see one more glitter tee on a 9 year old that says "sexy" i just might snap.

"if that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time..."

2007-08-27T13:26:00.000-04:00

i want to be writing right now but i am having a difficult time getting going. i used to write all the time -poetry, short stories, monologues - and was hoping that this blog would help me become disciplined about it and perhaps improve. not really happening at this point. so i will write about what i've done just to be writing and not to die from boredom.

crazy fun weekend. i had the pleasure of attending kit's play at the deep dish theater and i must say i really enjoyed it. when we first walked in, sam said "whoa, great set." and i wasn't impressed. then i SAW the show and realized that it was a series of scrims and the lighting design with projection just totally set it off. good show. great acting.

we then proceeded to bw3 (yet again) to tear up some karaoke. it was sam's last night in town before making the big leap to college and we wanted to send him out with a bang. alli was in town from philly, a great csz player and cool chick. we all headed back to zach's house to watch the monster squad: 20th anniversary edition. think goonies (the two leads looked like the coreys) and pit them against a tag team of dracula, frankenstein, creature from the black lagoon, wolfman and a mummy. hilarity and horror ensues.

saturday was an improv filled day, as it usually is. i reffed for my second time and i feel pretty okay about it. there were only 9 people in the audience (if you include zach and some staff) but it was pretty fun. i don't really know how well i'm doing but i think that i have most of what i can learn down. now it's just practice and getting the hang of it.

we had a really fun 7:30 show. dr. jones! dr. jones! reffed and zach played on a team with ian, robin and me. the stage was packed with 8 players and a lot of energy. the audience was full, going crazy and we just had a lot of fun. whenever i get discouraged or down about my abilities or why i'm here, it's shows like that that remind me.

after all the shows, we grabbed some cider and headed to zach's for board games. alli and i dominated at scattergories until we were undermined by the super team of kit and ted. we watched point break, i fell asleep and woke up at 4am cramped in the armchair, zach on the floor and eitan wide awake on the couch. "hey!" a funny scene. i woke up enough to drive home and sleep in my own comfortable bed.

sunday! sunday! sunday! we had our first harold practice/class and it was great. i am really excited about performing with this group. it's going to be a challenge but i think i am ready for it.

that evening, jeremy, callie, zach and alli came over to play with my wiiiiiiiiiiii. (convinced the parentals to let me open it. i think it took less than 48 hours.)

lessons learned:
1) zach is the king of spares and actually a mii in real life.
2) golf is hard and after 17 strokes, you give up.
3) the ceiling in my living room is a lot lower than i thought.
4) joe makes some kick ass pizza.
5) the wii actually transmits cocaine into your system through the sweat glands on your hands, rendering you completely addicted and dependant on it's action.

i've been having so much fun on the weekends that i'm still tired when i return to work on monday. i've been losing some weight and the pair of pants i am wearing today are barely staying up. (they were a bit big when i bought them but now it's kind of ridiculous.)
it's so hard to be me.

wha happened?: a recap of recent events

2007-08-23T10:30:00.000-04:00

this weekend my bff for realz, susan came to visit me on a whim.

we spent friday night completely dominating karaoke at bw3. the previous week a few of us rocked it out with only zach and jason scott quinn getting to sing (fabulous song choices, i might add). this past friday, there were about 20 of us and we fucking showed people that not only is DSI hilarious, we are just outstanding performers all around.

set list (because it was AWESOME)

zach: "sk8r boi" - avril lavigne

me: "just a girl" - no doubt

sam: "whenever, wherever" - shakira

loftin: "renegade" - band i'm ashamed i can't remember

stanton: "nothing compares 2 u" - sinead o'conner

jones: "thriller" - michael jackson

quinn: "just a gigalo" - david lee roth

jeremy: "mama told me not to come" - three dog night

becky: "i want your sex" - george michael

edward and me: "bohemian rhapsody" - queen

a few more that i can't remember...

after closing down b-dubs, joe, becky, susan, loftin, ward and i headed back to our house for about 2 more hours of karaoke. the karaoke eventually dissolved into a "your mama" battle which eventually dissolved into just talking into the microphones because we are all insecure performers. good times.

saturday morning, susan and i woke up and went shopping for redneck clothes. i played the 5pm comedysportz show very badly and then colette, susan and i headed to mebane to be extras in a zombie movie. they shut down part of downtown (think rome or perry but dirtier) and there were over one hundred people there dressed in redneck zombie garb. some makeup was awesome, some wasn't. i don't think that we will be getting any awards for this movie. titled "southern undead," the film is a tale of infected snuff that when dipped turned the consumer into a zombie. one of the lead's names was cooter. the lead female, katy, had a voice that wouldn't startle a mouse and had one of the most badass lines of the entire movie (i assume).

"ZOMBIES! *dramatic pause as the camera closes in on her with zombies shuffling in place to avoid her machetes from walmart* last call, zombie scum! you don't have to go home but you certainly have to DIE!"

jeez, some of the people there. a mebane resident was quoted in the local paper - "i ain't never seen nothing like this before!" they actually printed that. so quaint.

sunday = shopping and superbad. i was very pleased and my expectations were exceeded with this comedy. i want to see it again because i didn't hear about 25% of the dialogue because i was laughing too hard.

monday, i overslept and was awakened by my temp service at 8:30 asking why i wasn't at work. i hadn't set my alarms. i frantically got to work and kept myself busy worrying that they would fire me. a past boss has broken me. my experiences with him has made me even more paranoid.

great rehearsal with elaine. we are working on la ronde and my brain is working against it a bit. i'll get it. i got to be santa claus and have relations with an elf. what else would work if you got santa as a character?

wednesday: the day of my traffic court appearance. i was ticketed going 61 in a 45. bullshit. i left my house promptly at 8am, giving myself an hour to reach the hillsborough courthouse with some extra time to speak with the d.a. i got lost. 3 times. i finally reached the courthouse at 8:50 (after quickly walking in heels a couple of blocks from my car) only to have the bailiff tell me that i am in the wrong place. written on my ticket is "chapel hill." when i received the ticket, the officer told me "yeah, that's just the town you got caught in. you'll appear in hillsborough." i called the county, they also told me "yeah, that's just the town you got caught in. you'll appear in hillsborough."

i can has dismissal?

so there i was just enough in time to be late. i left the court house flustered, got half way to my car and realized i must have dropped my ticket. it was 9:00 when i got back into my car to head to chapel hill. after parking and quickly walking in heels a couple of blocks from my car, i came upon the courthouse... and the line of people that wrapped around it. i took my place in line and made friends with some rather nice guys, one of which had a tear tattooed by his eye. we talked about living in the hood and the policemen keeping us down when i was tapped on the shoulder by zach. we had been texting and he was in need of his mail so he stopped to visit me. he had appeared in traffic court the week before because he was caught speeding in my car 3 days before i was pulled over. i think this damaged my chances of having the ticket lowered or dropped all together on the scene. he happened to know one of the a.d.a.s - he was called dj pj in college - and suggested i name drop to try to get a better deal. unfortunately, i didn't get to riff with the dj but the a.d.a who talked to me just looked at me and offered me 3 deals:

1) get proof of my clean driving record within 30 days, reappear in court and get it dropped to improper equipment

2) plead to 9 over - 54 in a 45

3) prayer for judgement

while 1 and 3 might have been better for my record, there was only a $20 difference between 1 and 2 which left me 3 for when i really fuck up. i plead to 9 over, paid my $140 and was on my merry way.

i now own a wii. the catch is trying to convince my parents to let me have it before christmas and not have to send it to virginia for 4 excruciating months. the important thing is... i have one.

comedysportz rehearsal was a blast with all the new people coming aboard. we got to work on some basics in which we all needed a refresher course. zach called me retarded, made fun of me in front of everyone and pointed out my flaws. a typical day.

so here i am now. a thursday morning with more energy than i know what to do with. our phones didn't work for about 36 hours this week so we have very few patients. i just sit cuddled in my cardigan and wait for a message from the outside world.

I'm thinkin' about my doorbell --- when ya gonna ring it, when ya gonna ring it

2007-08-16T13:56:00.000-04:00

On February 16th, my friend Bobby was murdered.

He and his girlfriend were shot multiple times by her very-soon-to-be ex-husband. Bobby was found naked in the yard with only his churchkey around his neck. He never took that thing off.

We hadn’t talked in a couple of months so I had decided to leave him a message on AIM that very morning. I was headed to Georgia for the weekend and I wanted to see him. I drove to Marietta to comfort Susan (her boyfriend cheated on her) and when I arrived at 1:00am she told me what had slowly trickled down our tree of friends. I reacted much more passionately than I thought I would and this continued throughout the following day, week, month.

I skipped work to stay for the funeral. I saw a lot of people that I hadn’t seen since graduation and we all hugged and cried and said “It’s great to see you but I wish it wasn’t under these circumstances.” That phrase was used so much that week. Under these circumstances. Bobby was the fulcrum of many social groups, the link that kept us together and he did the same thing that day. I made it to the church just in time to peek in the viewing room. I couldn’t get closer than 10 feet to the casket because of a circle of family but I’m not sure my legs would have taken me any closer anyway. He just looked like he had on some funny makeup and was waiting for the right moment to sit up and say “Bear Stairs!!!” The funeral was very religious which I believe was for his mother’s sake. At one point, a giggle passed through the crowded church because we knew that Bobby wouldn’t want “Amazing Grace” as sung by the Down Home Southern Baptist Choir to be played… ever. He would never want to hear that. I pictured Bobby sitting on the exposed rafters of the church just shaking his head and smoking a cigarette. Once the service was over, I spent maybe 10 minutes with my hand on the closed casket where his head was and just cried and talked to him. “Bet you’re surprised I’m reacting this strongly, aren’t you? I’m a little surprised myself. I always loved you as a friend, Bobby and as I told you many a drunken night, you picked the wrong roommate to like.” I couldn’t walk away until Becca came and took me outside.

His real memorial happened the night before at the viewing and after the funeral in the parking lot. I wasn’t able to make it to the viewing but I was told that The White Stripes were playing and everyone was talking to Bobby’s mom. She wanted to meet every single person there and hear their connection with him. She said that she had always known who he was but by meeting his friends and seeing the impact he had on their lives, she was able to see the man he was becoming. After the funeral, people were debating on crossing the street to the meeting hall for the reception and food. Lucas looked at me and said “Or we could go to Chick-fil-a.” with a mischievous gleam in his eye. I had no idea what he was talking about for a second – waffle fries are great and all but right now? – until a memory came rushing back to me so violently that it knocked me off my tiny raft of self control.

Summer of 2005. Lucas, Bobby and I had stayed in Rome for the summer to work at Berry. That was the worst summer of my life but Bobby and Lucas were there to help bring some fun to the boring town and to eat lunch with me. One day when I was driving to campus, I saw written on the marquis to the mall

– “THURS! DRESS LIKE A COW, FREE FOOD, CHICK-FIL-A” –

and didn’t really believe it but warned my fellow poor lunchers and we went for it. I broke into the theater to use the copy machine and sharpies. I got headbands from the costume shop and taped paper ears to them. I made big black spots (white ones for Bobby because he was wearing a black shirt) and signs that said “I am a cow.” We taped the paper accoutrements to ourselves and set off for the mall. We got weird looks while we stood in line but we each got a free value meal. Some customers were outraged, saying they should get free food too. The cashier just said “I could do it if you looked as stupid as they do.” We reveled in our cleverness and ate to our fill of waffle fries and nuggets with honey mustard.

One of the best memories I have from my entire college career. I didn’t really feel the cold out in the parking lot as about 20 of us gathered in a circle to share stories. I had a completely new outfit on, purchased at Kohl’s the day before where I had called my mom bawling in the dressing room. We shared stories of Bobby’s crazy antics – rolling around in a desk chair in the basement with a 105 degree fever proclaiming “I am Spiro T. Agnew. Prepare to die, Nixon.” – his amazing photography – My only two page feature in any of my college yearbooks was a picture he took of me standing wrapped only in a blanket on an empty stage. – and just his general awesomeness. We stood there for 30 minutes, an hour, 90 minutes and then decided to head to a local restaurant to eat. They serve waffle fries too.

His mom kept his cell phone active for these past six months and finally stopped paying the bill a couple of weeks ago. I had called his cell phone at times just to hear his voice and to leave a message to him and to thank whoever kept his phone on, in case they listened to the messages.

Bobby was an amazing guy. I met him during my sophomore year when he came to take pictures for photo call for my first show as stage manager. I was really stressed and he just made me feel so much better with a smile and a “Cool! Nice to meet you.” He was the most talented photographer I have ever known. We were going to film a horror movie. We took our last semester of senior Spanish together. He lived on my couch. He gave me mono (I think) through drinking at a party and took me to the hospital when I was really ill. He could fall asleep anywhere and was famous for sleeping on the couched in our student union. The thing I keep closest to my heart was his support for improv. He came to almost every show that Easy Baked put on. I can see him sitting in his favorite seat, snapping pictures and laughing when I did something stupid. When I moved to North Carolina to work with DSI, he was so supportive and each time we talked, he would promise he would make it up here to see me perform eventually. At one point, the thought that this would not happen made me very sad but a good friend simply said “He will see you next time.”

I miss you, Bobby.

Rest in Peace

Bobby Mallin
May 18, 1984 – February 16, 2007

From the Desk of... Memo 2: Office Attire

2007-08-15T13:47:00.001-04:00

ATTN: upper middle class/upper class businessmen

i applaud your attempts at business attire. the majority of you are finely groomed and a pleasure to look upon. i would gladly spend an awkward 30 seconds in an elevator not speaking with you on our ways to our respective workplaces.

however, a good number of you use your suits to excuse your delusions of grandeur and general douchebaginess. "i earn a higher salary than you... i'm naturally better." that may be true but don't insult my intelligence.

your shirt doesn't need to have a white collar so that i know you hold a "white collar" position. shirts come in a vast assortment of colors. sometimes they even have patterns on them! the whole shirt should be the same color/pattern.

wake up, assholes. when you wear a shirt like this, you look like an asshole.

there are three instances when collars should be white:
1. you are wearing a white shirt.
2. you are a member of the clergy.
3. you are playing rugby.

*i realize that this shirt has white stripes and therefore it makes more sense for the collar to be white. i couldn't pass up the perfection that is the brand name on the tag.

From the Desk of... Memo 1: Introduction to the Company

2007-08-13T15:22:00.000-04:00

i have noticed that while i'm thinking about the world, i compose short letters to people to let them know how i feel about something.

i have decided that as the ceo of UNIVERSE, INC.* it is my duty and responsibility to call my employees to order. when something catches my attention, they will receive a memo. i will then ask them repeatedly if they received said memo should no change in action occur.

i am the best boss of the world ever.

*copywritten by joe stanton in 1,2,3 ingestion.

a grouping of random observations/musings

2007-08-10T08:42:00.000-04:00

-attention driver of a silver solara with the specialty license plate "solrpwrd":
monday through friday, we are operating on the exact same time schedule. i drive directly behind you on 54 and 40 at least 3 days out of the week. this is odd. perhaps fate? i don't even know if you are a man or a woman but i think we are meant to be together.

- the construction workers across the street from my office whistle at me when i get into my car. i should be disgusted (95% of me is) but there is that 5% that's like "awesome. i'm worthy of degrading behavior from the opposite sex."

-i just got my first credit card. it has my favorite painting on it. i love that. i can just take it out and look at it whenever i like. AND it's like money!

- there is a gaggle of geese that is about 50 strong that live right near my new office. each morning they are pecking through the straw to try to get to the grass. adorable, right? of course it is ... until it's quitting time. apparently one family of 6 gets off work at 5:00pm like the humans. they choose this time to slowly cross the only road out of our complex, leaving a line of cars waiting to escape. you can honk but these geese live in a construction zone. they had a rough day at the office; they are going to take their sweet time crossing that black river.

-whenever i am driving in a lot of traffic, i tuck my tongue as far back in my mouth as i possibly can and close my jaw. i get a rush of fear that if i get in an accident, i will bite my tongue off.

-i'm truly noticing the number of irrational fears and stressors that are having an effect on my life. one doctor diagnosed me with vertigo. the specialist said it was just anxiety. how do i stop my brain from making my body sick? tommy gave me a grow-a-therapist last night. i'm hoping that will help.

-everything is subjective. so much more than i originally thought was. all subjective.

-either the camera adds 10 lbs or my mirror takes 10 lbs away. seeing pictures of myself on stage is bothersome. comedy isn't pretty. i don't think about what i look like while i'm making choices onstage, i think about what my character looks like and i think that is part of what makes me a good improvisor. but damn my girly tendencies kick in when i see show shots. i know! all the characters i play are heavy and unattractive. that's the ticket.

there are so many more written on scraps of paper and corners of notebooks. to be edited at a later date.

okay, we've reached maximum dorkage.

2007-07-19T12:14:00.000-04:00

my new office in brier creek doesn't have internet yet. i've been sitting around waiting for deliveries, etc. i spent the last hour trying not to fall asleep while reading a book. so lunch time! what do i do?

i just spent 15 minutes driving around the strip malls, parking and trying to hop on someone's wireless.

thank you, bruegger's bagels. not only do you allow people use your wifi for free but you also make a delicious sandwich (one of which i will not be purchasing today. they are expensive!)

just thought everyone should know. hit me up via text. i'm so bored.

real updates to come once things calm down. i have a video game to shoot tonight. =)

warner robins, ga: breeding ground of the beauty queen

2007-07-08T14:03:00.001-04:00

joe and i were having yet another stimulating conversation while wasting away intellectually at our respective jobs when we began talking about my hometown warner robins, georgia. i hadn't looked at this wiki page in a while so some new information had been added.

the current miss georgia, amanda k, went to my middle school. i hadn't really seen her since then so the transformation that was required for her to become miss ga was immense in my mind. amanda hung out with the cool kids and they all did the sk8er boi look. (god, what were we thinking with jncos?) she was a tomboy, really pretty and tall but a tomboy. she could really hang with the guys.

now, she is miss georgia. also a runner up for miss america. insanity.

what really weirded me out was this page. 4 of these girls are from my hometown. they would move away or go to a college out of the region so that they could enter another pageants. the girl i want to call attention to is miss onion capital, kasey m.

kasey and i were really good friends in middle school. she was annie in our school play to my grace. she was two grades behind me and so i would ever-so-wisely give her advice on how to survive middle school. one of our favorite bits to do in the cafetorium before rehearsal was georgette baker* of the macon bakers. she was a southern belle who loved cheerleading and pageantry. she (i) would coach kasey on struts, cheering routines, smiles, waves - all the things needed to be a successful beauty.

you're welcome, kasey. you're welcome.

*this georgette character followed me to high school and was often asked to audition for american idol. (while she was an expert on many things, singing was not her forte. she sang even worse than i do.)

WSUX - 96.5

2007-07-01T18:30:00.000-04:00

i've been lucky enough to be employed for the last month by a staffing agency - ironically helping other people find permanent work while not having a job for myself - and i have really had some fun with the people i work with. b, a 38 year old man who always has a hilarious comment for everything, and i do bits most of the day. whether it be reading yo mama jokes off a lame website or imitating bad phone calls, we always seem to be having fun.

one of our favorite springboards is the one radio station that our old, dilapidated boom box can pick up. (one of our co-workers threw it at the wall when she was stuck behind at 10pm doing work. i was hired the next day.)

this radio station is the worst i have ever listened to. it's probably just like all the others that play the "chart-toppers" of our time but the deejays seem incompetent. i say this simply because they only play 7 songs. 7.

"Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie
"Home" by Daughtry
"Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood
"Umbrella" by Rihanna
"Beautiful Girls" by Sean Kingston*
"Buy You a Drink" by T-Pain
"Summer Love" by Justin Timberlake

this sounds like an exaggeration but these songs were their main programming. you might have an old throwback every once in a while ( "Summer Girls" by LFO - isn't that clever? it's summer, you see...) but the majority of the time they play these songs. the lyrics alone are enough to drive someone mad - hence my linkage.

it was funny at first. "hey, b! i think this is a new carrie underwood song! oh man, have you heard this?"

after 7 business days of this, b had had enough. he jumped up from his chair, mumbling about
smothering carrie under some wood and banged the already damaged radio in a fit of anger. apparently, this was just what the radio needed to be able to pick up another radio station; this one being a 90s/lite rock/adult contemporary station that reminds me of the 13 years i spent waiting in my orthodontist's office.

i never thought i would be so happy to hear michael bolton.

*it took some shady research to figure out the name of this song. the word "suicidal" is the main part of the hook so you can imagine what came up when i googled "suicidal song lyric."

oh man

2007-06-21T18:49:00.000-04:00

i have so many posts written but i haven't had time to post them. i don't think to do such things when i get home late at night and pass out. i can read my blog but not sign into it at work. weird.

thing i wanted to say right now:

it is so LAME when someone unfriends you on facebook due to pressure from a boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance/wife/husband. yeah, sure. i GUESS that relationship is more important than my status with you on an internet social networking site but come on. grow some balls.

my first ever boyfriend has unfriended me because he finally married the pig he dated in high school. she and i didn't get along. seriously one of those instances where she turned him against me by telling lies because she was jealous of me.

boo. why is everyone getting married anyway? joe jones... he is 25, has lived a little and is ready to settle down. 22 year olds fresh out of college? the wedding becomes a competition with every other person in their graduating class as to who gets engaged first, who gets the most creative proposal, who gets the biggest budget. immaturity in a ritual that is made for the mature. way to start your lives together! playing house with student loans and real life hanging over your head. of course there are exceptions to every rule but i would say at least 85-90% of the time this rings true.

i know the exact rebuttal i would receive from these people but you know what? it's not because i'm lonely or jealous. i just think that you are stupid.

when it rains, it pours.

2007-05-18T14:26:00.000-04:00

monday i had an abdominal ct scan for the pain i've been experiencing for the past couple of weeks. the ct scan itself wasn't fun, mostly just because of having to drink a gallon of barium sulfate and have it leave.

my doctor suspected some sort of tear or something in my abdominal wall. hernia perhaps from working at aldi. all made sense.

she left me a voicemail this morning saying that my right ovary was enlarged and they need to do an ultrasound to check for a cyst and possibly cancer.

great time to not have insurance right?

it's bobby's birthday today too. he would have been 23. rest in peace, bob.

there is something bad about the 16th.

2007-05-17T01:59:00.000-04:00

not my best day.

anyone want to hang out during the day? i'm free.

best weekend ever

2007-05-14T12:30:00.000-04:00

vh1 needs to be notified... i had the best weekend ever.

FRIDAY

- something that i was nervous about happening didn't happen. always a good thing.
- got to meet irvine welsh and get him to sign a copy of his new book

- saw ben gibbard of death cab for cutie and the postal service. i got to see dcfc in november but this was an intimate setting and an acoustic set. he was right there. le sigh. people make fun of me but i would marry this man. so he's not topping the people's 50 most beautiful list... he can sing to me.- headed over to milltown where i find irvine welsh drinking with my friends and a couple of people taking pictures of him. like professional paparazzi pictures except these people were nice and actually welcome. i had a really great and helpful conversation with shane (whom i adore!) about the theater and life in general. he told me i'm "fucking gorgeous!!!" what girl doesn't want to hear that from someone they just met?

SATURDAY

- slept for eternity. awesome.
- female ensemble... we're coming along pretty nicely. we'll get it. we have our first show in a couple of weeks. we are challenging MGP for the cagematch title. i predict that i will win this next cagematch.
- i had the most amazing comedysportz show of my life. we all had great energy, the crowd was 2/3 full and were really invested.

then came time for 5 things. i went to the soundproof cvs pharmacy and awaited my fate. here's what i was given:

1) Running
shoes = dinosaurs
track = sponge
2) Biking
seat = pudding
helmet = Tide laundry detergent
3) Bowling
ball = toilet paper
pins = Spice Girls
alley = California
4) Vacuuming
electricity = solar power (sun)
clothes = mumu
5) Flossing
floss = barbed wire
teeth = Tom Cruise's teeth

i got all 5 things in 5 minutes.

the crowd went crazy. they were so invested. i could hear gasps when i got the first thing in under a minute. tommy and zannie were on fire, giving me amazing clues.

when i said the last part of the 5th thing, they screamed, some people got out of their seats. it was the most amazing feeling in the world. i had a couple tears in my eyes as i ran out for halftime.

my curtain call was equally awesome. i always say i don't do it for the attention but when an audience appreciates what you did and they make noise for you... it's just the best.

SUNDAY

- callie's graduation party. pretty dresses, cleavage everywhere, wine, succulent shrimp, great treats and good company.

best weekend ever.

spidey sense < ) ) ) ) ) )

2007-05-11T01:37:00.000-04:00

i just watched spiderman for the first time since 2002.

the first time i saw it, i was on jeremiah cebo's couch, anxiously awaiting my first kiss. guess when it happened? during the famous upside down kiss.* tonight was the first time i had actually seen it. i wish i had watched that awesome kiss that night rather than receiving one.

my first kiss? not great. the guy tried to eat my head. just kept opening his mouth wider and wider and then attacked me with his tongue and saliva as if he was trying to put out a fire in my mouth. i was so turned off and disappointed by my first kiss, i actually questioned my sexuality for a second. this guy was HOT and i felt nothing when he kissed me! any sheltered, prudish freshman in college would think that right? right?
yeah i was almost 19 for my first kiss. shut up.

spiderman was pretty good. it's amazing how far cgi has come in just 5 years. i'm so geared up for watching spiderman 2 tomorrow. never seen it. own the soundtrack, played the video game, just never got around to seeing the movie. thanks to remi, now i can and hopefully get to a theater to see spidey3 before someone ruins it for me.

*gag me! this guy was so over the top stereotypically "romantic." we were both catholic so he had the catechism on his coffee table the first time i came over. he played love songs for me on the piano on our second date. blech.

song stuck in my head

2007-05-10T15:57:00.000-04:00

You Could Be Happy - Snow Patrol

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played on lips 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

this song takes me back to a relationship from college. hardcore. one of those things where you don't miss the person anymore or cry about it... but when you listen to the song, you can feel it again. music transports me.

trapped?

2007-05-10T11:14:00.000-04:00

old habits die hard. constricting. limiting.

sometimes the old habits are easier because yeah, it hurts but it's a hurt that you know. that you are comfortable with. new things can hurt you in ways that you aren't expecting.

i will actually start using this thing in a couple of weeks. i can't really talk about what's on my mind right now.

celebrity look-alike thingy

2007-04-11T09:01:00.000-04:00

this is really odd. i'm not sure i look like any of these people.

2007-04-09T17:49:00.000-04:00

talking with a very close friend of mine today, we got on the subject of spirituality. i used to be really close to god but i've drifted a lot. she used to be far away and now she is close to him and is still her hilarious self. she shared this with me and it just got me thinking...

o lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about meyou know when i sit down or stand up
you know every thought when far away
you chart the path ahead of me
and tell me where to stop and rest
every moment you know wher ei am
you know what i am going to say
even before i say it, lord
you both precede and follow me
you place your hand of blessing on my head.
such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to know
i can never escape from your spirit
i can never get away from your presence
if i go up to heaven, you are there
if i go down tot he place of the dead, you are there
if i dwell by the farthest oceans
even there your hand will guide me
and your strength will support me
i could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night
but even in darkness, i cannot hide from you
to you the night shines as bright as day
darkness and light are both alike to you
you made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother's womb
thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
your workmanship is marvelous, and how well i know it
you watched me as i was being formed in utter seclusion
as i was woven together in the dark of the womb
you saw me before i was born
every day of my life was recorded in your book
every moment was laid out before a single day passed
how precious are your thoughts about me, o god!
they are innumerable!
i can't even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!

and when i wake up in the morning, you are still with me.
---- psalm 139, written by king david

all these posts sound so emo and depressing. i guess that's why i stopped blogging before. i know no one but a couple of friends reads this so i can just be as blah as i want to be.

overflow

2007-04-09T10:54:00.000-04:00

i would give anything to be able to feel something again. to feel something besides empty and sad. the only time that is rectified is when i'm doing improv so i focus on that. i have moved here to help myself and do what i want to do and make decisions for myself. i was stuck in a situation where people didn't honor my decisions and i felt powerless. i moved here to take a step in the right direction and take the power back. maybe it makes me selfish, but i need to live for myself and put me first for once. it isn't my intention to hurt anyone. i just have to stop putting myself into hurtful situations because i keep putting other people before myself.

GRRRRRRRRRRRR

2007-04-02T17:02:00.000-04:00

had a followup today with my doctor about my latest sleep study and ct scan. turns out there is "nothing wrong" with me and i have idiopathic hypersomnia which basically means they don't know why i am tired all the time.

it's probably not really a secret that i deal with depression and anxiety on a daily basis. runs in my family and i've been doing a pretty good job combating it for the past few years.

turns out, all this time that i've been falling asleep in cars and public places and being sick all the time... might be due to medication and just plain ol symptoms of depression.

i have been fighting and fighting and fighting and i just can't get away from it. it ruins my relationships. it ruins my health. these stupid chemicals that are misfiring in my brain can cause all this trouble and i feel like i'm running in circles. i can't and won't give up but damn, it's tiring.

it's like a monster that lies dormant in my chest and then wakes up and takes over, illogically filtering all information that enters my brain and my reactions to that information.

go away.

le sigh

2007-03-28T15:50:00.000-04:00

not to sound like the indie kid that i am...

but i am so sick of hearing panda bear and peter, bjorn and john. both good bands and albums i enjoyed. i recommended them to people and all that jazz. but now, they have been so overplayed i want to hit something when i hear them.

whistling and odd noises in music can be really cool and effective but not if they are overdone or oversung.

i used to laugh at this site but now i'm beginning to understand his frustration.

goodbye my love.

2007-01-26T17:07:00.000-05:00

my family car of 14 years died in december and i finally cleaned her out to be towed away the other day. i was surprisingly overcome with emotion sitting in her again after a month in a new car.

cleaning out the backseat, finding cds from road trips. a ticket stub from a movie with an ex, a red thunder can from when i would go to my old job without sleeping, stickers from past shows, cds i've been looking for, my bobblehead collection.

how many times had i sat in that car in the rain with my head against the steering wheel waiting or thinking or napping or crying? one of my dogs spent her last moments of consciousness in the backseat. how many moments had been stolen in the backseat by me or my jerk friends?

it's just a car but for the past four years, i felt homeless. parents moving, changing dorms and apartments, long distance boyfriend, old hometown job... it all depended on me and my car. my trusty ghetto boat that could fit everyone in it for a taco bell run or a trip to chapel hill for an improv festival. i lived in that car.

now, i've moved to this new area and everything changed. i lost my one string of consistency. new car, new life, new town, new friends.

here goes nothing

2007-01-15T16:55:00.000-05:00

this is a blog. i am now a blogger. yeehaw.

i'm setting this up for random musings but mostly so that i can learn things for my job. i will be setting up a blogads adstrip. it will say advertise here, but don't. no one important will see it. at least not at first.

so i send this out to the vast cosmos that is the internets.

*randomness abounds*